Comfort

There’s a great deal of comfort in being open about dying. At least there is to me. Once people know it’s ok to talk about it they can join you in finding ways to deal with things. I know that not everyone has a family like mine that just wants you to feel happy and cared for but in that case I hope they have friends to fill that gap. 

One huge worry/concern I have is leaving Harry behind. I think it’s pretty clear that he knows I’m not well. His cuddle factor has reached 11 and today I think God used Harry to give me a gigantic soft hug. 

Karen and Mike have kindly agreed that they along with Caleb and Emily will take Harrison in when I die. The main idea is for him to be Emily’s boy like their cat Whiskers is Karen’s boy. They’ll put Harry’s bed in Emily’s room and encourage him to sleep there. Wherever I put that bed in my apartment is where he sleeps. Even surrounded by oxygen cords, yup still sleeps there. So we’ll see. Hopefully whiskers can open his heart and put up with being lectured at which is Harry’s go to reaction with other cats. 

Anyway today after a nice lunch Emily asked Harrison for a kiss and was denied. However he did lean in multiple times for something even better. Harry marked Emily as a beloved person.  And this right here with Karen in the background is a terrific comfort to me. 

A few hours later Harry’s uncle Henry came over. Another person he loves. My boy will be well taken care of. 

CT results

Well here’s the deal. The radiation worked. It held the big dirty sock of a tumour at bay and even shrank it a little. So yay! 

You hear the but coming don’t you? 

The ct scan also shows more new nodules and lymph nodes affected by cancer. This likely means no more treatments. I’m doing ok except on Saturday, before I got this news, I had a pretty sudden pretty severe increase in pain in the dirty sock area. Hug me at your own risk! I’ll likely be getting a pain pump which will hopefully help ease that up. Please do your very best not to feel sorry for me. Believe me when I say I’m not done having fun and you can come along if you’d like. 

Palliative performance scale

Look away if you don’t want to hear words like palliative or hospice but I had a good laugh today when my nurse called to tell me I’d been discharged from the palliative nursing team! I knew it was a mistake but I said “Yay I’m all better!” We laughed and when she came over she told me it was the ostomy nurse I should have been discharged from. (Still working on that pesky Peetunia side.) But no I’m still on the palliative nursing side even if only once a week. And even though I hardly used my oxygen today. The pain continues to get worse which is confusing because of the terrific breathing. Maybe because I’m still on antibiotics so the tumour isn’t infected and causing fevers etc? I don’t know. 

Anyway I go for a ct scan later this week so there’ll be more answers after that. And one thing I do know is that I am SO much appreciating your love and prayers. 

Today I got all sporty and looked in my nursing binder that they leave here and saw the scale they use to judge when you’re ready for hospice. I know I was fairly low during radiation which is normal but if you factor in all the limitations I had before the most recent diagnosis, and ignore the “feels like an arrow through my shoulder” pain which is usually under control especially since I now use a timer, thanks karen!) I’d put myself pretty high at the present moment. Maybe 80 or 90? Taking points off for maybe needing oxygen? 

And that’s pretty cool!

So long

Really special evening saying see you later to this guy, my nephew Caleb, who is off Tuesday on a mission trip for 6 months. We don’t know where he’ll end up going after his training and we don’t know if I’ll end up leaving during that time. Right now except for pain I feel great. Who knows? We just know we love each other and in the long run it will be okay. 

We had fun eating wings, telling favourite stories and recreating pictures from previous Moose visits.  So proud of these two and I couldn’t love them more. I know it seems odd to say I feel great except for pain but pain I can deal with. I have a family doctor who gives me enough pain meds, I’m not coughing much, I’m not in the hospital, I have a good appetite, (maybe too good but I’m not going to worry about that) I have all the company I could desire, I only have to be home for the nurses one day a week, I had a great Christmas, I have lots to look forward to, I can bathe myself, I’m warm and dry, I have a cat tucked sleepily into my side, and I have enough mustard. 

Does it absolutely 100 percent break my heart that I may never see Caleb again here on earth? Oh yeah it sure as hell does. But he’s going on an adventure and I’d never want to hold him back. Every night at bedtime we went on adventures with an imaginary horse, named with great imagination, Horsey. Horsey and Caleb most of the time flew into outer space meeting new and exciting friends and solving great problems. And when asked what his future goals were Caleb said he wanted to be an astronaut or a dad. So yeah I’d like to find out, but I know whatever he decides he’ll be great at it and I could not be more proud of him. This is what he made me for Christmas.