Believing

I know I don't have to explain this but I want to. Dr K didn't actually say that I don't have cancer right now at the appointment we were at on Thursday. She said it at my first appointment last month but I couldn't believe it because I didn't trust the first ct scan plus that scan had shown some suspicious sized lymph nodes that they thought might just be recovering from the surgery and this scan proved that that was the case.

I'm still struggling to take in the good news but enjoying doing so. I couldn't take in learning I had cancer all at once so I guess this shouldn't be different. And right away my mind skips to wanting some good friends to hear the same good news for themselves.

I think because the vulvectomy hurt so much more than I expected for such a long long time I've taken the possible side effect pep talks (or whatever the opposite of pep talk is) from the upcoming radiation deep to heart in the hopes of not experiencing pain like that again. So soon. Or at least not being surprised by it and then hoping that maybe it won't be so bad. Hey. I'm not claiming to be logical.

My good friend Grace made an excellent point after I told her about how strongly Dr K. hammered in the possible side effects of the radiation. Grace said that it's not like I'm some person who's never had anything worse than a hang nail. I'm familiar with Dr Pain and I'll get through this.

Also I have had access to sufficient pain relief and this time wont be any different. I just want it over with and as much as I'm belly aching about this stuff I don't have a moment's regret about having gone through it. I respect people's right not to go through cancer treatment but if there's a good chance of recovery i sure as heck don't understand it! Life. It's just too good! Now if I'm ever diagnosed with alzeimers that's a whole different ball of wax but thankfully that bridge hasn't appeared so there's no need to cross it.

And so I'll go on a wonderful holiday next week and then put on my pirate persona and face whatever's next.


And this is the face that I want to go into it with.